Apparently I've gotten a little emotionally detached from my posts and I've been putting more of my head into this than of my heart. You've got to understand, it is a lot easier for me to tell you what I know and what I think about it than what my heart is saying. It gets real easy for me to rant about the superficial feelings I have about objective things, and so I default into that when I get on here. It might be about me, but its not really saying much.
In one of my first posts I wrote that I would be dealing with the whole "my parents are across an ocean and it sucks" and through posts on here. Well, other than the post about my dad, I haven't really come back to it. I lied to you guys, I didn't deal with it on here. I have dealt with this realization more than once since writing that, but my first reaction is not to blog about it. I never even think about talking to anyone about it. And so no one knew. I literally didn't tell a soul when I sat in my room feeling lonely and crappy and too far from home. Honestly, it would've taken much more to make me talk to someone, and even then I would probably still try to fight sharing. Dealing with this outwardly, on here, is going to take some getting used to.
One of the main reasons I think I haven't been posting when I've dealt with being homesick is because I hate to make people listen to me talk about how much stuff sucks. Yes, I should be able to blog about it and you can read if you want, but I think I'm afraid I'll push you all away with my crap. I don't want to dump my life on others, I don't want you to have to feel for me. I guess you decided to read this, knowing that it will be half-way personal, and so you're ready to read about my crap, but I don't know if I trust you to stick around. People don't like dealing with the the humanity of others, and I'm afraid you won't want to deal with mine. So, I don't post about it. And we get back to the same place: this is a blog, and one of my first posts said that I would deal with stuff on here. So, I have to remind myself-- "Sierra, you said you would be willing to be vulnerable." I have yet to completely trust whoever is reading this to read and be willing to keep reading. I know that soon enough, if I let my heart filter into these posts, no one will be reading anymore. Maybe I don't know that, maybe I just think that, or maybe I just fear that it will play out that way. Too many maybes, I might as well just post and not care who reads. I might as well write and hope, or not hope at all, and that way I won't be disappointed. And whoever is reading will just remind me, once they stop reading, that people get tired of you and leave, that consistency is something that man will never possess in his own power.
Maybe I should take my friend's perspective: "This is my blog, I will write what I feel and think and you can read it, or you can stay away. If you don't like it then you can stop reading, but honestly you are reading at your own risk. So if you are offended, tough luck, go away." Problem-- I'm not at all as bold as my friend. She knows that people will like you or they won't, and there's not much to do about it. Don't try to please them all, you'll lose yourself. Speak your mind.
I know my worth is not in the people around me who approve or dislike me, but rather it's in my God who is glorified even in all my flawed craziness. But I'm human, and I want to fight for God with my life, but I fall short too often. And I look to the flesh for worth rather than trust that my hope is in God. And the flesh never fails to disappoint me. I decide that I don't want to offend anyone with anything I say because I don't want anyone to have anything against me. Once again, this is a problem, because so much of who I am clashes with most of everyone else. What I believe, how I live my life, goes against the world's "This life is about me and my pleasure and desires and making myself feel worthy." I believe in a God who has called me to forget myself and follow Him- to put myself after others and their needs. But I fall short; I am selfish, and decide that I want to try to please myself with the world instead of taking hold of what I know is eternally satisfying.
I forget that He who is with me is greater than he who is with the world, and I fear people and their perceptions of me. I am afraid that they won't like what my heart says. They will tell me I'm wrong and or they'll see my weakness and push me aside. I let so many things get to my head, and when they get there I don't let them go. I go over them too many times. Over and Over. They go through my head till they tear me apart or I break them down. The times I can break them down are few, but they do happen, when I trust the Man who's in charge of my heart to help me deal.
And I will try to write what I need to write. I will try to deal with life on here, but don't trust that it'll all be on here. I can't do that to you, make you read about it all, every time it comes up. I can't make you sit through that, over and over. So part of my dealing, I guess, will be me making myself share my heart- make myself willing to let this post speak for me when words can't be heard through the choked back tears. Well, that sounded dramatic, but seriously, if you want to hear about my crap but don't want to have to deal with the physical mess of it all, you can just come here. I'll just hope someone will be willing to deal with the physical mess as well as the rest.
So there's a shallow look at my heart. A jumble of fears and insecurities. Haven't heard that one before, have you? Too many of us deal with the same stupid insecurities for us not to see a pattern. I've seen the pattern, I see the reason, but I see the solution, and yet I fail to get over it. I fail to put words to practice and I fail to trust. But I'll save that one for next time.
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