Not enough love to go around?

I love people-- we don't really need to go into this, because if you've been keeping up, you'll know that I much rather be with, invest in, love, and goof off with people than most anything else. And I love so many people. I've come to realize that Union happens to have a lot of really awesome people. Problem: I want to love, hang out with, invest in, and goof off with all of them; there are more people than I have time. And to top it all off, you never stop meeting all these great people at Union. It's like a never-ending flow of greatness that I just want to always plunge into. And I want to get to know every single one of those great people to their very core- because I know it would be so worth it. I would see so much more about how amazing they are and love them all so much more. I want to listen to their stories and have talks that mean something; I want to know these people, every single one of them. But I can't. I can't listen to every story intently and invest so much in every one of these people-- there are too many people. So I find myself trying to juggle 35 friendships and I have great hopes for all of them. I want to really know all 35 of these people and build amazing relationships with them.

If I could really do this, that would have to be all I did. But I am also a student, a daughter, a club member, and part of the body of Christ that is the church. These other things take up quite a bit of my time, probably most of it actually. So with what's left of my days, those few hours, I try to fit 35 people into it. Now this doesn't work, because I find myself working so hard to keep up all 35 friendships and realizing that soon enough I'm only able to give a small fraction of what I should be. So I give 35 20% of me, because I want to know all 35 people. But now the number's gone up to 40, so I'm really giving a little less to each one. And I happen to forget a couple people, and so I have a good lunch date with them. And then I am exhausted-- physically, emotionally, and spiritually, because God has become one of the 40, instead of the One above the 40. Some of the 40 people I am trying to get to know aren't responding to my efforts, and that breaks the camel's back. I am worn out and juggling 40 semi-shallow friendships that are struggling to survive the limits of time and humanity. I can't take it anymore.

And then I remember that, unlike popular belief, I am not Super Sierra. I am trapped in the body of a mere mortal, and so am limited by time and my physical need for rest and balance. And I have to make a choice. First I have to pull God out of those 40 and set Him above. Then I have to decide who's going to make the cut-- who's going to be a part of a the few that I will be able to invest in and love with every part of me, not just fractions. And that number cannot be anywhere near 40. I can only really know a handful of people, if that. I can love and know well maybe a dozen, but I still won't be able to spend as much time as I'd like to getting to know them. So I choose, somewhat consciously, who I will invest in, who I will spend time loving and being with. And it's great when they're willing to do the same. And it stinks big time when they don't see it that way, and I get frustrated and feel like I've been wasting my time giving to these people when they're not willing to let me know them. But I choose to love them, through their rejection and back, in hopes that one day they'll open up. Maybe they won't let me get close, so I'll back off, but I will love them, I will not give up on them.

And I feel like I have it under control. And then more people come into the picture.. and the people I've chosen to love become another on the list of many.. and I can feel it. And I start the process over. And it's shaping in me a love for these people, whether I can invest in them or not. I still want the friendships with those I have come to know or wish to know, but I can't keep them to the same extent or intensity, I have to make a little time here and there every once in a while, to let them know I haven't forgotten about them. And there are people that come in and out with the seasons, and there are those that stick all year round, but we have to fight for those. We have to bite and beat time to keep these couple friendships going, because to let them fade would be telling them they never made that big a part in our lives, and that would be a lie. So when people say that all their friendships are seasonal, I hear them say that they're not willing to fight, that none of their friendships meant enough to fight for them. I don't think I can believe that, and I think they'll regret letting those friendships fade, because they knew each other.

My friends of today make up a weird group of individuals that I love to death. I've chosen to spend these days with them, and I hope they can choose the same for me. If they don't, I will keep loving them and I will fight to keep them. Some I don't know as well as I'd like to, and I'm waiting for them to let me know them. But I have decided that my days will be well spent getting to know these people that mean something to me. I want to mean something to them on the day that we part.