And what do I have to show

The summer's half over and what do I have to show for it? Nothing. My savings account is empty because I still don't have a job. I haven't painted anything great. I haven't written anything great. I haven't finished reading anything great. I haven't started any great projects successfully-- like learn a new language or play an instrument. I haven't become more disciplined. I haven't done anything. I was sure this would be a summer when I would become a better follower of Christ, a better person, a better friend, a better daughter, a better student, a better guest, a better character, a better everything, or a better anything at least. And what do I have to show for all these expectations so far? Not much. Not much at all. I've had a few good experiences that all amount to some fun. I've half read a couple books. I've gotten some sun on my skin. I've gotten good at going back and forth between going up hills and going down hills on my bike. I've filled out more job applications than I can count on my two hands and I'm still unemployed. I convinced myself after not getting a summer job/opportunity elsewhere that God wanted me here in Jackson for some great reason that would change my life. But maybe I had just missed the boat. I really missed out on some great opportunities that I could've had if I had been really trying earlier on this year. But once April and May rolled around, I had convinced myself "Oh, you see, I'm supposed to be here this summer, because God has some great plans for me here-- so I have to stay and it's really not my choice. You see, I'm submitting to God's will." But maybe I was just being lazy. I missed out on all those great opportunities and didn't want to admit it, so I would try to hold up my pride as I claimed God's Providence over my summer. So I was stuck here, telling myself "Trust God, He has it all mapped out, just wait for it to fall into place. Apply for some jobs, and you'll get the one He has saved for you. In the mean time, do something productive.. Read a book, brush up on your Spanish." And so I tried that for a few weeks. I had a list of goals in my head that I would reach by the end of the summer. I set highly productive standards for myself. And I felt great at first. I was being active, getting some stuff done during the day and spending some good times with friends at night.

But soon enough applying for a couple of jobs wasn't enough because I wasn't getting any responses. And it's been two weeks since that started. I've been applying. And applying. I've gone to just about every store and restaurant near Union and asked, even though I knew half of them would send me to some website. And I kept applying. But I took it easy. I wasn't being aggressive. And here I am now. Jobless. A failure. I have nothing to show. I want to make all these plans. But I have no money. Whatever money I had seemed to disappear with my dignity. My summer started with me being stuck because I had failed. And I find myself still stuck because I can't seem to reach the standard. I've got a bike and a hot sun on my back. You can only get so far with a half-working bike.

One thing I could praise God about was that I had been able to spend good time in His Word faithfully. So He kept revealing things about Himself to me, and I was encouraged. I knew He was guiding me. But I was still convinced it would all just fall into place. All the time I knew somewhere in the back of my head that God had given me a brain to figure things out and get a job. He had given my hands to get something done, and I wasn't doing it. He gave me the responsibility to use my time in a way that would glorify Him. And I wasn't doing it. I was wasting my time "waiting on Providence."

I realized how much of a failure I really was. I realized that I had spent 4 weeks of time that God had given me and came back with nothing to show. And then I figured I'd fix it on my own. I had wasted God's time, I would get it back, I'd make Him proud! It only took a couple of days for me to give in to Him reminding me that I couldn't redeem anything, much less wasted time. Only He could. I found myself broken, a failure before God, a shameful daughter of the Holy King. Then He reminded me what this summer had brought about so far. He gave me reasons to praise Him. I had been able to spend precious time with old friends and good time getting to know new friends. He brought me back to doing ministry with children at the Dream Center. He provided me a church full of people striving for the same goal that were going through a study on building Christian Community, which is exactly what God has called me to pursue. He gave me the chance become involved in my community in the weirdest way-- by attending free ballroom dance lessons at a local gym. And He was giving me time to spend in His Word and in His presence. I had so much time to spend praying, interceding, and listening to His Spirit change me. He has blessed me. Though I had still been wasting time and was not living my summer out to the fullest, He was already redeeming my shortcomings and my time wasted. He was blessing me nonetheless.

And though I still feel like a failure, though I know I won't be changed and happy and redeemed in an hour, though I know this is a process of change and building, I know that at least I'm not depending on myself. It would be so easy to stay in bed all day and wallow. It is so tempting to stay in bed and watch movies and do nothing and let myself grow bitter and depressed. I have to fight for discipline-- to do what I don't want to do, to let Him change me. So I will give this a second try and hope only in Him this time, and hold myself responsible for my failures.

Maybe this summer will be more than dancing and music, more than half-books and sun.

About time

_____

Goodness gracious. It's been a good few weeks. Hectic. Busy. Beautiful! I'm here to boast about my friends. In the midst of the crazy that was last week-- finals week, packing up and move out week-- was my birthday. I really didn't expect much. I would find joy in the fact that it was the last day of finals, my freshman year was complete, and a summer full of uncertainties and questions was all that lay ahead. I would enjoy my summer-- no matter how many questions I had, and that would be my birthday gift to myself. I would watch all my friends leave and know that I would see them again, for another great year together. Surprise, surprise, I have some pretty great friends. On Wednesday, the day before my birthday-- while everyone (except for me) still had several exams and a lot of studying to do-- I was going to collect firewood with my Lifegroup partner, Kyle. We were to have a bonfire on my birthday-- a little wood-sy celebration. Before I could walk through the doors of the PAC, he says "ehm.. so, yeah we can't go to the woods today because.. I lied to you.. HERE'S YOUR FIRST CLUE!" What am I thinking? "Whaaa... t just happened? okay, yep.. this is happening." I read the clue. It goes something like.."You need to save Mcafee.. but to do this you have to collect three relics to take to the Mistress of the Woods.. something something.. go to the land of small places." Evidently, that "land of small places" is the photo house. So we trek over there, Kyle's beaming with secrets, and I'm still in shock. In that instant I knew my day was hijacked, I had no choice, and I would love it. As we turn the corner to the photo house, I recognize Hannah's purple shoes, and she tells me to choose my weapons. There is an array of cardboard swords, hatchets, nun-chucks, and a shield. I go for the shield, they chuckle and tell me to pick an actual weapon as well. With shield and hatchet in hand, I follow the next clue to the million dollar entrance. Jonny stands there, the back of his car is open, and he is ready to rumble. He calls to me stand in the middle of that grassy area, and he gives his little "Keeper of the Gates" monologue. I am just waiting for him to ask "What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?" He tells me I must duel him for the key to the Realms. He cues theme music-- it blasts from the back of his car. Matt hobbles out and hands him his weapons and disappears with the sketchy carriage that awaited him. So we fight. His futile attempts do no good, his nicely duct-taped sword breaks, he runs away, I call him a coward and proceed to decapitate him. His dead corpse hands me the clue telling me it is time to take a break "for lunch and merriment." Jonny is slain and joins my ship, as I like to say. After a great lunch and falling asleep in cozy Barefoots chairs, I am abruptly awoken by a screaming Ruth-- telling me of the maiden that I must rescue. We wake Jonny and head for the Savage woods. We see Trey has Sarah captive, and so we charge with hatchets and swords in hand. Megan Kersey and Kaitlyn  attack from behind the trees, but of course we kill them easily. I ended up killing Kaitlyn several times that day-- zombie, perhaps? After defeating the girls, Trey tells me that to save Sarah I have to solve a riddle. He starts spewing off some American culture reference and soon gives up after seeing the confusion on my face. "So," he says, "I guess we will fight." He jumps down off the fort-thing, and pulls out two pencils. Yes, pencils. My shield goes up and we fight. It was one of the better fights I had that day, and I won. My shield showed signs of a struggle, but I saved Sarah, and Trey was dead.. dramatically so. His pencils were no match to my cardboard hatchet.

This clue sends me to Neptune's fountain (???). We set sail for the fountain behind Jennings to find Beckers there, looking so innocent and sweet.. pff. After Kaitlyn attacks, again, and does not back down, Beckers comes to my rescue. She tells me I have to retrieve her conch from the fountain. I get in and start feeling around, they're all chuckling and I see they're all looking at the bowl type structure in the fountain, standing as tall as me. "You've got to be kidding me!" I demand Beckers help me up, she gives me a lift and I get the conch out. Half wet, completely happy. We take a break, for studying and packing and such activities. I walk into Heritage wet, carrying several pieces of cardboard, including clues, a hatchet, and a shield, and a key and a conch. After a little break where I can't focus enough to get anything done, I'm called to go behind Pollard and Sullivan. Problem, these two buildings face each other. So I figure we try going behind Rogers, right between the two. Ruth accompanies me, and we find Jonny. He takes a good 45 seconds to stare at us. Matt's hand pops out from behind a tree with a camera. Jonny then leads me on a lap around Rogers, hand raised, almost marching as if into battle. I follow, figuring I should comply with anything and everything. We come back around to the entrance to the tunnels. And Two shady ladies await. It takes me a minute to recognize Andersen and Courtney. Painted mustaches, interesting costumes, and nerf weapons in hand, they await for me to approach them. They ask me "What does it mean if your blood type is O-?" HA, Kyle will never let that one go. I reply between laughs "That I'm an international donor." They hand me the "eye of the sphynx" and a clue telling me to venture into the woods at 9 that night.

This quest has been going on all day, and still it's not over. I can't believe my friends. I really didn't expect anything. Everyone has so much on their minds, so much to do and study, so much to pack and get ready for. They all have plans. And yet, they've spent their day doing this. Putting together this ridiculous quest. And I can't help but know that I am so blessed to have these friends. Friends who care enough to do this, in the middle of finals week, and friends who know me well enough not to send me on any ordinary scavenger hunt, but to send me on a quest, full of duels and keys, realms and forests.


Beckers' mom, sister, and best friends were here to get all her crap packed and home. They made pizza. Beckers and her family of 34 make the best pizza. I enjoyed it with my coffee. And then I went to church, and I became a member of City Fellowship Baptist Church. And I took part in my first members meeting there. And I fell more in love with God when I saw his body love each other that way. And I was reminded why being in Jackson this summer isn't going to be that bad. I get to know these people that I already feel so loved by. What a great place to be.


You could call it bliss. My night was.. bliss. We waited till after Food for Finals to go to the woods. We walked over to the woods, where they trusted me to lead. Baha. It was dark and I had never been on this side of the woods, but they gave me a flashlight and Kyle was close behind. We walked and walked, and then stopped. We walked a few steps off trail where a white box sat. I squatted close to the box and opened it. Play-doh, dinosaurs, sour patch kids, a toy wrestler set and notes from friends. Ah, bliss. "Thank you!" I didn't know what else to say. So I smiled at my friends. I know it's not a rare sight, my smile, but I hope they knew it was true. That box, and those silly toys and hand-written notes told me they loved me and that they knew me. Bliss. And we were still a few hours short of my birthday, technically speaking.

So I say thank you. Those two words should mean so much, but they sound so weak. But that's all I know to say, though it's true joy speaking those words. There are so many names that bring joy to me, so many that I thank for making this year what it has been.

Endings

It hit me today: I am two weeks away from being done with my freshman year. It's ridiculous. So much has happened, and yet it feels like these last couple of months moved by unnoticed-- not quite the way I expected them to. I hate that I felt like I missed out on something, but I have yet to realize what that something is...

 I love being able to rely on the fact that some people will always be doing the same thing at the same place. That way I know that when I just want to be, just be, I can do it there with them, because they'll be doing the same. But sometimes, I hear stories of great things that happen. I hear of adventures being had, spontaneous things occurring.. a lot.

And I wonder why my life seems void of that spontaneity. And I get bummed out.. because it's all become so monotonous. I hang out with the same people and we do the same thing everyday, and the few times they are "spontaneous," I happen to be gone/busy/doing something else, and I miss these rarities. So, I get bored.. I get bored quickly, and I want something fun. I want to venture in the woods and have stories of being chased by dogs and setting things on fire.. or something. I want to have endless stories of times we spent hours getting lost and not caring. I want to stroll into my dorm room, smiling uncontrollably, not a word to describe what just happened, scenes running in my head that I just can't believe played out the way they did. I want to make the greatest memories of times that just can't happen twice and I want to search out things that haven't been done, then do those things. I want to drop all my work and head out for an adventure. I don't care that we're 2 weeks from finals, I want an adventure. Maybe I'm tired of being in my dorm room by midnight most nights of the week. Maybe I think it's been too long since I've been to IHOP or Steak and Shake at unmentionable hours, maybe I miss taking 3 hour walks with a friend that felt like twenty minutes. Maybe I would like to be walking somewhere, with a plan, and have someone ask me to go do something random and totally unplanned with them-- and then do it. I am usually more than willing to drop whatever I'm doing for some spontaneous fun, but the opportunity just has come up recently. Maybe I need to wander back to Ayers where Emily and Kayla will surely give me the giggles by just the sight of that quote wall.

 and all this mumble jumble, me missing out on things, is of course mostly because of the amount of homework I've been getting. I left the 2D Art studio at 5 a.m. this morning after finishing my Honors Beauty paintings.. and arrived at my dorm room as the sun peaked over the the LifeWay building just to start on my World Politics paper that was due some 6 hours later. Last night was a good night though.. I guess it was more of an adventure than I have had recently, which is sad to say, seeing that most of it was me sitting and painting. But I did make new friends I think, at least I hope, and we sang in the racquetball courts and we watched the 1974 version of The Little Prince and we enjoyed our work. We listened to the rain beat down on the PAC and smiled at the sound of deep thunder.

 and all that ranting on 2 hours of sleep to say that you should all-- if you are here in Jackson-- come see the Honors Beauty projects at some point this week between 11 and 1 starting today and ending on Friday. Our official presentations will be today, Tuesday, at 11/11:15ish.. and there will be food :) So yes, come see how Honors is wonderful-- paintings, poetry, sculpture, photography, other really cool stuff that we nerdy kids make! Oh, and it's in the theatre good night and good luck!

Overflow

If I tried to give of myself, you wouldn't like what I'd have to offer. If the cards I put on the table belonged to me, I'd quickly lose. And I know this. I know that I have nothing to offer anyone. And yet, I try to find something of me to present to others, and I come up short every time. I pour out all of me and am turned away, being found to be not good enough, not quite what they were looking for, and completely empty. And I ask, "when will I ever be enough?" But I won't, I won't ever be enough. Anything I have will never be enough. I'm looking to myself as the source of satisfaction, the source of wholeness and fulfillment. Oh how I fail! I am so far, so unimaginably far from being able to sustain myself-- to, in my own person, keep myself satisfied. If I thought I was close to being able to do that, I would probably work for it, I would just kill myself to get there, to achieve a sort of divination. But I know I am hopeless. So I turn to the only hope I have, the one that used to fill me, and I let it fill me again. It renews me, it pours into me, replaces what I handed to others and what was turned down. I give of that, I present what I've been given. Surprise, surprise, what I give away, he replenishes. I am satisfies once more. Some accept what I give, others reject it. But I know that I am filled again, and so I do not wait to be satisfied by them. I do not hope that they will give of themselves when I've given of myself. He gave of Himself so that I might be able to give of myself to them. So I give, I give, and I don't wait to be given to. I am filled by Him. He is my source. And so I give and I let them receive. I expect nothing in return. I find unexpected joy in their giving of themselves. Of course, I now am being filled by my eternal source, and what they give simply pours over, and what a blessing overflow is! I am receiving, I am giving, and grace flows through me, love passes through me; and I remember that it is not my own. And so what I give is simply the overflow of the Giver Himself. I am no perfect giver, I sometimes reject the source, I seem to think I've become a source myself. I am never a source. I am simply a vessel. And as a vessel, I am not in charge of myself. A vessel is supposed to be possessed and used by someone else. I rather not be in charge of my life, I like depending on someone who knows better.

Airhead

I keep wondering, why is life so dandy right now? I'm getting closer to 8 hours of sleep than usual --every night, I'm going to all my classes, keeping up with friends, and having a blast doing it. I'm feeling a little less tired than usual and I've stopped drinking coffee by the pint (not going to lie, the first two days my coffee was replaced with migraines). My days are literally packed from the time I step out of my dorm till the moment my head hits the pillow. I get 30 min-1 hr breaks between a few classes or events/commitments, but honestly, I cannot buckle down in that amount to time to really do anything productive with my life, so I fill that time with the socializing, the keeping up with friends. That way I get little doses of friendship between the crazy, and I get to sleep soundly at night. And yet, when I crash at night, I don't feel drained or needy. I feel accomplished, I feel energized, I feel happy, and it feels like nothings is going to knock me down. I don't mean for that to sound like an "I'm invincible" kind of thing, but just that life is good right now, and the crap people are pulling around me is not going to mess with it. I feel comfortable. Comfortable. At ease.. comfortable. And then that word becomes uncomfortable. "Comfortable." Ehm, I don't know if I like the sound of it. Maybe I'll try something else, like "at peace with life," yeah. I can dig that.. but now that's uncomfortable. Why am I so comfortable?

Why am I comfortable right now? Why do I get to be comfortable? Why does that word feel so wrong? Maybe because I shouldn't be comfortable? But.. I mean, if I CAN be comfortable, why not? If I can juggle this life right now, why not? At the end of the day, I've let things slide, I've laughed, I've enjoyed my time, and I've made the best of my name-- I sure have made myself feel great. It's so easy.. it's so natural. Why would that be wrong? It's what I seem to do by instinct. At least.. it sings a louder song, and fills my ears with the beautiful lyrics "me.. happy happy me, wouldn't that be great.. for me?" It catches my attention, but something tugs lightly at my mind. "Him.. them... her.." but I've already decided the sounds of "me" are sounds sharper and stronger. So, I go for the song. I go for the easy, and I enjoy it, OH do I enjoy it! I love every minute of it, why wouldn't I? And soon enough the song in my head pours out of my mouth as well. "Me, oh me, did you just say me? I love me, don't you?" Or at least that's what echoes through my ears. And I'm disgusted, but it's so easy. It's so addictive. And I can't seem to stop.. is that right? People don't want to hear that though, but I try to yank them back. And some smile politely, some might even think I'm not blabbing about myself, but I know what this is about. I've decided that I matter more. I matter more than the people giving me crap, I matter more than whatever crap they're dealing with, I matter more than the name I've proclaimed, I matter more than you. And so I keep talking. I keep taking, and I take and take. Did I get tired of giving?

A leech. I guess that's what I'd call my "comfortable." I'm sucking from everything and everyone. I'm not giving anything.. to anyone. I've decided I matter too much, why give to the people pissing me off when I can just drop them and take from the people feeding my pride? So I decide that I'm in control of what I give and what I take. I've shut down all outward action--except for my mouth of course-- and I've upped the levels of intake. I've decided I don't need anything else. Me. Yeah, that sounds nice. I've got my friends-- the ones that make me look good, and the rest is under control. I can surround myself with all sorts of people and things that will huff and puff till my head's full, and I disregard anything or anyone that would need something from me-- anything that I have to work for. But I'm comfortable.

So maybe I rather be uncomfortable. Or maybe I know that this "comfortable" I feel right now is taking a bad toll on me. It's slowly getting its dirty claws on my heart, on my soul. He fought too long and bled too much for me to give in. So I have to fight this uncomfortable. I guess I'll start the fight. I'll fight the "me" ringing loud, I'll pay attention for the "Him.. them.. her" that leaves its faint echos. I'll lay down my crown made of plastic shiny crap that I bought at Hobby Lobby and I'll shut my mouth. I'll ask them about them. I'll try to fix what I've shattered. I will try to deal with the crap, to get to the person. I'll put aside my empty stories and listen for their stories. I'll minimize my mouth and max out my ears. Or at least that's the plan.. the theory for now.

I'll stop doing every thing in my day for me. It's about time I take part in things for the sake of others. It's about time I don't look at a picture of a starving child and go "oh, that's unfortunate.. listen to how I fed a starving child!" and I'll actually put my hand to the plow to do more than I talk about. It's about time I think of others not in relation to me, but to Him and to them.

And sometimes we get fed up and won't play along. And sometimes.. I won't fight.

"In God We Trust"

Though some people may call The United States a "Christian Nation," it is far from being a nation based on Christian principle and faith. If anything, the easiest way to function in this country is to be lax about your religion, and faith will clash with the "freedom" of these people. I guess it's good we don't hold to religious standards that aren't met by faith, but I'm used to living in a much more religious country-- not so much filled with God-fearing men and women of faith, but a country that has a holiday every few weeks for the sake of Saint someone or Mary Virgin of someplace. All I'm trying to say is that Colombia is flooded with the Catholic religion-- and this is reflected in the holidays. I'm used to a Spring Break that is more often referred to as Holy Week, because we get that week off from school the week between Palm Sunday, Good Friday, and Easter Sunday. The week is more sacred for people, even if only for the sake of religion, but it helps Christians take the week more seriously. It's hard to step back and take the time to take in Christ's sacrifice as we inhale and remember his risen body with every exhalation. With the kind of week I've had, it was hard to crunch out those minutes to be able to really meditate, soak it in, and reflect. But when I did, when I just wrote, read, and thought, I was so humbled, so convicted, so broken, and so thankful. We've learned all about crucifixion in New Testament Survey and I couldn't watch that church Easter play in the same light tonight. We downplay or try to brush past the pain of Christ's suffering. We break it down to flogging, carrying a heavy cross, and the piercing of his hands. As the man playing Christ walked down the aisle with fake cuts and blood as he carried the cross and a Roman soldier beat him on, I noticed some people watched intently, others glanced and looked away, as if hoping that he would hurry up and be crucified already so they wouldn't have to watch anymore of it. I found myself thinking "this is kind of awkward.. are we supposed to just watch him.. or..?" Then I remembered, Jesus went through a lot worse than this, and I felt awkward.. good job, Sierra, you're shallow.

What I came to write about was Holy Week-- how this time last year I had just gotten back from one of the most amazing weeks of my life. This year? I am currently trying to repress this week into my subconscious, from which it will never emerge again. It's honestly a blur, one that I only want to get blurrier. Back to last year. I miss it, I miss it terribly. I miss the faces, I miss the songs, I miss the languages, I miss the river. My little brother got back yesterday from the trip I went on last year to the Amazon. Lilia put up pictures and wrote on my wall that the kids were asking about me.. by name. We were there for 8 days, providing medical care for a few Ticuna villages. Of course, I had nothing to do with the medical stuff, I just played with the kids and painted. I was especially touched in the third village, 2 de Mayo. By the end of our few days there I had accumulated a little gang of boys, ranging from about 6 years old to probably 10. They were my body guards, my buddies, my tree monkeys. I remember the first time I met them was when I was painting bible verses on the outside of houses and a couple of them started following me from house to house. They didn't say a word the entire time, I'm not even sure many of them spoke Spanish. But they stuck by my side, and I put them in charge of designing something to go along with the verses. I gave them each a brush a let them help. Soon enough it started raining and we joined Ruben in the river, playing and wrestling. When everyone went into the jungle on a little hike and we stopped at a fruit tree at the end of the trail, they had filled a huge tree and were throwing the fruit down at me, filling every one of my pockets and theirs with snacks. They ran along the trail, winding in and out of the yuca plants, playing tag, making quick appearances every few minutes as we all walked back. I loved those boys, and I miss them. They taught me how to count all the way up to 4 in Tikuna and they had a great time with my name.. "Sierra, cierra la puerta!!" I love that Lilia and Leo and my brother and the whole rest of whoever went got to see them and play with them, but I wish I could have. I wish I could bring back more t-shirts covered in paintings and hand prints.

On to other things I miss. Friends. Or better said, specific friends. I know people change, but some people just seem to get shadier.. at least the people they are with and places they go. I miss hanging out the way we used to. How we could spend hours doing nothing.. at least it wasn't quite as shady. So I get tired of shady, and I stop coming around. But there are other people involved, and I miss out on them too. The less shady, that is. We all notice that we haven't seen each other in so long, and we all miss it, we all want it back. People started thinking I got shadier, and maybe I did, maybe my life had become slightly questionable-- or at least from the outside. And I wanted to reassure them that I'm the same person, but I might have risked too much by not trusting that they trusted me. I am no circus performer, my balance is all too flawed. I think I had that balance for a few weeks.. but I got tired of shady, I got tired that it was always shady, that it couldn't move from there. So the group I had once neglected, I embraced, and so neglected what I had embraced all too easily at one point. I've been told that I'm really good at making friends. And yes, I think I can admit I'm a people person, but the problem comes when I make friends with people on both ends of the spectrum. I mean, I really do love it, it's diverse, and we know I'm ALL about that diversity stuff! But there's no middle. These different groups never seem to overlap, unless I'm pulling one into the other.. very forcefully. It's tiring, going back and forth. Trying to involve them. It's tiring when I want so badly to pour all of myself into all of the groups, all the while trying to be a responsible student (if you know me well, you know my efforts aren't significant). Some give back so much, and others, though they say they miss me when I'm gone, don't seem to enjoy me too much when I'm around. I carry too much baggage from the other groups, too much "shadiness" let's say. Everyone else in the group is completely giving to the group, but I can't, and I'm not sure some of them are okay with that. I'm afraid what I can give them, if I want to maintain some of the other groups, isn't enough. So I've been trying to give more, but I'm feeling it everywhere else. And so it's all thrown off balance.

22 days

what? I don't know if I believe that. 22 days since my last post. Not that anyone's missing out on anything, but I missed this blog some in those 22 days. Someone said today "you think about what you love" and I've thought about this blog a lot in the last 22 days.. I don't know if I dare say I love it though, those are strong words for something that will not do anything in the long run. And yet, I'm back, because I missed it, and it deserved some TLC. Who doesn't want attention from me, right?

So in these 22 days,
1. I got over being homesick--some circumstances that added to the emotional wreck were revealed and things were better explained. I'll be fine, I'm alive, and I can't wait to be back for Christmas, but for now, I'm here, and I am loving it, and will love it. I'm joyful, I'm happy, I'm back to being me I believe.

2. I am an official 2012 Life Group Leader. Had the interview, and just like everyone else, felt like it went pretty well. I guess it did go pretty well, because I went through some weird stuff tonight during New Life Group Orientation and will be headed somewhere great this weekend. Trusting Lee and Rachel to keep us safe and happy, though that shouldn't be too hard. I am crazy excited about next semester. I'm crazy excited about the rest of this semester! But all that to be kept for another day.

3. The guys played Culture Fest and rocked everyone's socks off. Boss rapped and girls swooned. Someone compared Dani's voice to Elvis Presley, Chris rocked the crap out of those drums, and Josh played some great solos on his guitar. People loved it. As I advertised in all my classes "How often do you get to see athletes play good music?" I was so nervous for them, I felt like one of those kindergarten moms watching their child, the one dressed up as a tree, in the class play. I was so proud, I'm pretty sure I was beaming. I know most guys don't like to be mothered so I keep away from that, but I felt like a proud mom... which might be slightly weird. But they're my boys, those boys, and they made me really proud.

4. I went to a rocking concert and got bronchitis, with a side of more sick. Fun. is at the top of my list for best concerts. Birmingham was shnazzy, and the group I went with was too much fun for my tired body. We sang at the top of our lungs the 3 hours back to Franklin at midnight and I think that's when my cold turned for the worse and inhabited my lungs.. good times. But it was worth it, it was amazing and I sure don't regret it. Only with the help of some antibiotics did I get over it some point last week.

5. Midterms. So, I only had a test and a reflective paper, but did I feel burnt out. Exhausted is an understatement. I was barely functioning. So when Friday afternoon came and all left for Spring Break, I took a nap. I came back from Spring Break still tired, but it's a different, good, fixable tired. I'm getting some sleep, and it feels so unfamiliar.

6. I went on a GO (Global Opportunity) trip to Hendersonville (Nashville) over Spring Break (last week). It was kind of amazing. Well, more than kind of. It was not like any other trip I've been on before. God answered prayers. There were great awkward conversations. And I learned a ton about sharing the Gospel with people who don't want it. I have so much more to say about this trip, and it's coming soon, I promise, I just don't have the minutes right now.

7. I've been caught off guard with the notion that people care about me. Of course I know people care about me... but I figured it was my closest friends, the few, the crazy. But I've learned that there are others who love me and care about me--and I didn't see it coming. I've been referred to as a sister a few times recently from different people, and once it was followed with a comment about being protective over me. I was assured that one friend was quoted to say that he would beat the crap out of anyone who laid a hand on me. I love these people, and I care about them, but a lot of time it feels like I'm farther into the deep end with involvement, and I'm okay with that. To realize that they do love me and really care about me-- and think about caring about me, it's good to hear. I wonder why they keep me around, why they put up with me, why they invite me and hug me. I wonder why they let me see it, see them live. There's no reason for our friendship, really. We don't believe the same things, we don't live the same way, we don't see eye to eye on most anything, but they've stuck around. I know my reasons, but I can't seem to understand theirs. Love me? eeeh, I don't know about that. That they now care about me.. I still doubt it, I don't know if I can fully believe that. I know I love them, but I don't really expect it to come my way, so I don't really know what to do with this. For now, maybe believe it.. maybe enjoy it.