Thanksgiving Break

Day Three of TGB: Three whole days, not much productivity going on. All the roommates and most friends are gone, and I am here on campus. Scheduled to work a around 20 hours this week. The rest of the hours will easily slip by without getting anything done if I don't watch myself. I wonder why I have such high standards for myself if in all reality I'm not disciplined enough to get anywhere close to them. I know that my faith doesn't hang on how physically/time-wise disciplined I am, but it sure affects how the rest of my life rolls. Right now, I'm not getting enough done because I am so very skilled at procrastinating. Right now, I should be finishing the book that was supposed to be read last week for class. Too late for that one, right? Might as well not read it now, right? No, because I want to say that I DID in fact read it, just not quite in the correct time frame..

And it sure doesn't help that I'll be home in 25 days. I told myself I wouldn't count down because it would make those 25 days worse and make me a worse person to be around. When you have 4 1/4 hours standing in a dressing room, there's not much else to do but count things. And I realized it doesn't matter how much I count or don't, I become a horrible person to be around when I'm just waiting to escape this place for 6 weeks. Those days I wait make Jackson and Union and the people I'm around seem so much less appealing because everything's being compared to Colombia. I am so blessed to be here surrounded by the people that I am surrounded by, but I get so antsy being "stuck." As soon as change is in sight, I always feel stuck till it comes. I need someone to smack me straight in the face and tell me to be here, because having my head in the Colombian clouds is not going to make the time pass any faster.

Creeps

I've come to a time when I am always surrounded by people, most of whom I really love being around. But when I walk into my living room after work and there isn't anyone there I always go straight to my phone to find out where my roommates are, if they're coming home soon, or if I can go to them or anyone else to be with people. I am not used to being alone anymore. Even right now I had to keep myself from trying to find people and let myself enjoy the solitude, but I couldn't stand the silence so I put on some music. The solitude has scared me. I'm afraid it means that I've spread myself too thin with people and can't depend fully on anyone because I haven't made myself available enough to them. The solitude makes me afraid that I'm truly alone, in every sense. The solitude gives my mind time to think, and often it thinks too far. Then the solitude deepens every fear and strengthens ever heartache that I had pushed away. Satan turns the solitude that I should be able to take rest in into something terrifying and destructive. He tries to reverse the healing that Christ has done, and sometimes I let him bring things back. I have to fight it. Not the solitude, but the temptation to let it scare me. Solitude does not necessitate loneliness, but I am too often convinced that at the end of the day all of this only comes down to loneliness.

John 16:33 says "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." I pray that peace will accompany solitude, and that it will be something I embrace at every chance.

And of course, with the solitude comes homesickness. I've made it 10 months with a few bumps in the road, I've got just under 2 months to go. I am more than excited to spend 7 weeks with my family at home. Oh, I thank my God that He has given me such a loving family.

Fingers crossed and deceivingly hopeful words.

We underestimate God so much. So so much. We pray little prayers because we imagine a little god who has small plans for us. So we set aside our big dreams and pray little easy prayers. Instead of praying brave prayers for healing and asking God to do the impossible, we pray that we may accept all circumstances and live honorably with how life rolls. Yes, when we realize that our dreamy plans don't match up with God's will, which happens from time to time, submission and trust come into play. Sometimes though, we need to challenge the easy flow of life. If things aren't getting hard and it's all just enough for us to feel okay with our lives, aren't we missing out on so much? If we don't take the big risks and ask God to see us through, how will we know that's not what we are supposed to do? When we say "everything just fell together so perfectly" for a circumstance or decision that had to be made, doesn't that make it sound too easy. Maybe that was good, but what if something so much better could've come about if we had passed up the ideal opportunity and smashed down the doors to impossible opportunities. When we wait for everything to line up oh so nicely, 1. we'll be waiting for a long time, 2. we'll have only a few good experiences. Why am I waiting for doors to open for me when I should be knocking them down? Yes, God opens doors and lines things up to show us stuff sometimes, but that is not always the case. I've been acting like that's just how my life will be-- I will wait for Him to open a door and then I will start on that path, but if I meet any sort of push against me, I'm out-- because obviously that wasn't really God's plan.. because, you know, He would've made it a walk in the park if it had been.

What if I've got it all wrong? What if He gives us a break every once in a while and proves Himself, but what if maybe He shouldn't have to prove Himself? What if I should be living to prove Him? What if I should really live the belief that He is Almighty and that He is God of this Universe? What if I started living like He was bigger than all of this? What if I am supposed to be dreaming bigger and risking more? What if we should all be pulling a Noah every day? And what if God doesn't nudge us to make every move? What if we trust the hearts that He has been molding and follow those dreams? What if, maybe, just maybe, He does know what's up.. especially when we don't?  And, what if we stop taking cautious baby steps but start running full speed to live, not just survive?

"Wait upon the Lord. Wait patiently." This is all over the Scriptures, said many times in many ways. And I waited for Him, and he provided. He was faithful, and now I have a job. But sometimes we wait when we should be up and going. Whenever we feel like there may be anything keeping us from following something, we back out, as if we were wrong in the first place. If we are living as Christ did and striving to be the salt of the earth, you can bet there will be so many things pushing against us. When our plans have great implications in the long run than we cannot yet imagine, and they are moved by the Spirit, everything around us will try to stop us. And so we take the easier good route and play it safe. We can count on enough things in life, we can secure future plans, but we still sacrifice enough to feel okay about the way we live. Well maybe we do us all some good to, at least on day in our lives, not know where our next meal is coming from. I can't say that this is the best for everyone. Maybe it is just what would do it for me. I think I need to live with more uncertainty, because at least that would me that I am taking risks and praying big prayers. Maybe if I stop waiting for clarity in future prayer and start trusting past promises then I will experience that big God that I say I believe in.

And what do I have to show

The summer's half over and what do I have to show for it? Nothing. My savings account is empty because I still don't have a job. I haven't painted anything great. I haven't written anything great. I haven't finished reading anything great. I haven't started any great projects successfully-- like learn a new language or play an instrument. I haven't become more disciplined. I haven't done anything. I was sure this would be a summer when I would become a better follower of Christ, a better person, a better friend, a better daughter, a better student, a better guest, a better character, a better everything, or a better anything at least. And what do I have to show for all these expectations so far? Not much. Not much at all. I've had a few good experiences that all amount to some fun. I've half read a couple books. I've gotten some sun on my skin. I've gotten good at going back and forth between going up hills and going down hills on my bike. I've filled out more job applications than I can count on my two hands and I'm still unemployed. I convinced myself after not getting a summer job/opportunity elsewhere that God wanted me here in Jackson for some great reason that would change my life. But maybe I had just missed the boat. I really missed out on some great opportunities that I could've had if I had been really trying earlier on this year. But once April and May rolled around, I had convinced myself "Oh, you see, I'm supposed to be here this summer, because God has some great plans for me here-- so I have to stay and it's really not my choice. You see, I'm submitting to God's will." But maybe I was just being lazy. I missed out on all those great opportunities and didn't want to admit it, so I would try to hold up my pride as I claimed God's Providence over my summer. So I was stuck here, telling myself "Trust God, He has it all mapped out, just wait for it to fall into place. Apply for some jobs, and you'll get the one He has saved for you. In the mean time, do something productive.. Read a book, brush up on your Spanish." And so I tried that for a few weeks. I had a list of goals in my head that I would reach by the end of the summer. I set highly productive standards for myself. And I felt great at first. I was being active, getting some stuff done during the day and spending some good times with friends at night.

But soon enough applying for a couple of jobs wasn't enough because I wasn't getting any responses. And it's been two weeks since that started. I've been applying. And applying. I've gone to just about every store and restaurant near Union and asked, even though I knew half of them would send me to some website. And I kept applying. But I took it easy. I wasn't being aggressive. And here I am now. Jobless. A failure. I have nothing to show. I want to make all these plans. But I have no money. Whatever money I had seemed to disappear with my dignity. My summer started with me being stuck because I had failed. And I find myself still stuck because I can't seem to reach the standard. I've got a bike and a hot sun on my back. You can only get so far with a half-working bike.

One thing I could praise God about was that I had been able to spend good time in His Word faithfully. So He kept revealing things about Himself to me, and I was encouraged. I knew He was guiding me. But I was still convinced it would all just fall into place. All the time I knew somewhere in the back of my head that God had given me a brain to figure things out and get a job. He had given my hands to get something done, and I wasn't doing it. He gave me the responsibility to use my time in a way that would glorify Him. And I wasn't doing it. I was wasting my time "waiting on Providence."

I realized how much of a failure I really was. I realized that I had spent 4 weeks of time that God had given me and came back with nothing to show. And then I figured I'd fix it on my own. I had wasted God's time, I would get it back, I'd make Him proud! It only took a couple of days for me to give in to Him reminding me that I couldn't redeem anything, much less wasted time. Only He could. I found myself broken, a failure before God, a shameful daughter of the Holy King. Then He reminded me what this summer had brought about so far. He gave me reasons to praise Him. I had been able to spend precious time with old friends and good time getting to know new friends. He brought me back to doing ministry with children at the Dream Center. He provided me a church full of people striving for the same goal that were going through a study on building Christian Community, which is exactly what God has called me to pursue. He gave me the chance become involved in my community in the weirdest way-- by attending free ballroom dance lessons at a local gym. And He was giving me time to spend in His Word and in His presence. I had so much time to spend praying, interceding, and listening to His Spirit change me. He has blessed me. Though I had still been wasting time and was not living my summer out to the fullest, He was already redeeming my shortcomings and my time wasted. He was blessing me nonetheless.

And though I still feel like a failure, though I know I won't be changed and happy and redeemed in an hour, though I know this is a process of change and building, I know that at least I'm not depending on myself. It would be so easy to stay in bed all day and wallow. It is so tempting to stay in bed and watch movies and do nothing and let myself grow bitter and depressed. I have to fight for discipline-- to do what I don't want to do, to let Him change me. So I will give this a second try and hope only in Him this time, and hold myself responsible for my failures.

Maybe this summer will be more than dancing and music, more than half-books and sun.

About time

_____

Goodness gracious. It's been a good few weeks. Hectic. Busy. Beautiful! I'm here to boast about my friends. In the midst of the crazy that was last week-- finals week, packing up and move out week-- was my birthday. I really didn't expect much. I would find joy in the fact that it was the last day of finals, my freshman year was complete, and a summer full of uncertainties and questions was all that lay ahead. I would enjoy my summer-- no matter how many questions I had, and that would be my birthday gift to myself. I would watch all my friends leave and know that I would see them again, for another great year together. Surprise, surprise, I have some pretty great friends. On Wednesday, the day before my birthday-- while everyone (except for me) still had several exams and a lot of studying to do-- I was going to collect firewood with my Lifegroup partner, Kyle. We were to have a bonfire on my birthday-- a little wood-sy celebration. Before I could walk through the doors of the PAC, he says "ehm.. so, yeah we can't go to the woods today because.. I lied to you.. HERE'S YOUR FIRST CLUE!" What am I thinking? "Whaaa... t just happened? okay, yep.. this is happening." I read the clue. It goes something like.."You need to save Mcafee.. but to do this you have to collect three relics to take to the Mistress of the Woods.. something something.. go to the land of small places." Evidently, that "land of small places" is the photo house. So we trek over there, Kyle's beaming with secrets, and I'm still in shock. In that instant I knew my day was hijacked, I had no choice, and I would love it. As we turn the corner to the photo house, I recognize Hannah's purple shoes, and she tells me to choose my weapons. There is an array of cardboard swords, hatchets, nun-chucks, and a shield. I go for the shield, they chuckle and tell me to pick an actual weapon as well. With shield and hatchet in hand, I follow the next clue to the million dollar entrance. Jonny stands there, the back of his car is open, and he is ready to rumble. He calls to me stand in the middle of that grassy area, and he gives his little "Keeper of the Gates" monologue. I am just waiting for him to ask "What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?" He tells me I must duel him for the key to the Realms. He cues theme music-- it blasts from the back of his car. Matt hobbles out and hands him his weapons and disappears with the sketchy carriage that awaited him. So we fight. His futile attempts do no good, his nicely duct-taped sword breaks, he runs away, I call him a coward and proceed to decapitate him. His dead corpse hands me the clue telling me it is time to take a break "for lunch and merriment." Jonny is slain and joins my ship, as I like to say. After a great lunch and falling asleep in cozy Barefoots chairs, I am abruptly awoken by a screaming Ruth-- telling me of the maiden that I must rescue. We wake Jonny and head for the Savage woods. We see Trey has Sarah captive, and so we charge with hatchets and swords in hand. Megan Kersey and Kaitlyn  attack from behind the trees, but of course we kill them easily. I ended up killing Kaitlyn several times that day-- zombie, perhaps? After defeating the girls, Trey tells me that to save Sarah I have to solve a riddle. He starts spewing off some American culture reference and soon gives up after seeing the confusion on my face. "So," he says, "I guess we will fight." He jumps down off the fort-thing, and pulls out two pencils. Yes, pencils. My shield goes up and we fight. It was one of the better fights I had that day, and I won. My shield showed signs of a struggle, but I saved Sarah, and Trey was dead.. dramatically so. His pencils were no match to my cardboard hatchet.

This clue sends me to Neptune's fountain (???). We set sail for the fountain behind Jennings to find Beckers there, looking so innocent and sweet.. pff. After Kaitlyn attacks, again, and does not back down, Beckers comes to my rescue. She tells me I have to retrieve her conch from the fountain. I get in and start feeling around, they're all chuckling and I see they're all looking at the bowl type structure in the fountain, standing as tall as me. "You've got to be kidding me!" I demand Beckers help me up, she gives me a lift and I get the conch out. Half wet, completely happy. We take a break, for studying and packing and such activities. I walk into Heritage wet, carrying several pieces of cardboard, including clues, a hatchet, and a shield, and a key and a conch. After a little break where I can't focus enough to get anything done, I'm called to go behind Pollard and Sullivan. Problem, these two buildings face each other. So I figure we try going behind Rogers, right between the two. Ruth accompanies me, and we find Jonny. He takes a good 45 seconds to stare at us. Matt's hand pops out from behind a tree with a camera. Jonny then leads me on a lap around Rogers, hand raised, almost marching as if into battle. I follow, figuring I should comply with anything and everything. We come back around to the entrance to the tunnels. And Two shady ladies await. It takes me a minute to recognize Andersen and Courtney. Painted mustaches, interesting costumes, and nerf weapons in hand, they await for me to approach them. They ask me "What does it mean if your blood type is O-?" HA, Kyle will never let that one go. I reply between laughs "That I'm an international donor." They hand me the "eye of the sphynx" and a clue telling me to venture into the woods at 9 that night.

This quest has been going on all day, and still it's not over. I can't believe my friends. I really didn't expect anything. Everyone has so much on their minds, so much to do and study, so much to pack and get ready for. They all have plans. And yet, they've spent their day doing this. Putting together this ridiculous quest. And I can't help but know that I am so blessed to have these friends. Friends who care enough to do this, in the middle of finals week, and friends who know me well enough not to send me on any ordinary scavenger hunt, but to send me on a quest, full of duels and keys, realms and forests.


Beckers' mom, sister, and best friends were here to get all her crap packed and home. They made pizza. Beckers and her family of 34 make the best pizza. I enjoyed it with my coffee. And then I went to church, and I became a member of City Fellowship Baptist Church. And I took part in my first members meeting there. And I fell more in love with God when I saw his body love each other that way. And I was reminded why being in Jackson this summer isn't going to be that bad. I get to know these people that I already feel so loved by. What a great place to be.


You could call it bliss. My night was.. bliss. We waited till after Food for Finals to go to the woods. We walked over to the woods, where they trusted me to lead. Baha. It was dark and I had never been on this side of the woods, but they gave me a flashlight and Kyle was close behind. We walked and walked, and then stopped. We walked a few steps off trail where a white box sat. I squatted close to the box and opened it. Play-doh, dinosaurs, sour patch kids, a toy wrestler set and notes from friends. Ah, bliss. "Thank you!" I didn't know what else to say. So I smiled at my friends. I know it's not a rare sight, my smile, but I hope they knew it was true. That box, and those silly toys and hand-written notes told me they loved me and that they knew me. Bliss. And we were still a few hours short of my birthday, technically speaking.

So I say thank you. Those two words should mean so much, but they sound so weak. But that's all I know to say, though it's true joy speaking those words. There are so many names that bring joy to me, so many that I thank for making this year what it has been.

Endings

It hit me today: I am two weeks away from being done with my freshman year. It's ridiculous. So much has happened, and yet it feels like these last couple of months moved by unnoticed-- not quite the way I expected them to. I hate that I felt like I missed out on something, but I have yet to realize what that something is...

 I love being able to rely on the fact that some people will always be doing the same thing at the same place. That way I know that when I just want to be, just be, I can do it there with them, because they'll be doing the same. But sometimes, I hear stories of great things that happen. I hear of adventures being had, spontaneous things occurring.. a lot.

And I wonder why my life seems void of that spontaneity. And I get bummed out.. because it's all become so monotonous. I hang out with the same people and we do the same thing everyday, and the few times they are "spontaneous," I happen to be gone/busy/doing something else, and I miss these rarities. So, I get bored.. I get bored quickly, and I want something fun. I want to venture in the woods and have stories of being chased by dogs and setting things on fire.. or something. I want to have endless stories of times we spent hours getting lost and not caring. I want to stroll into my dorm room, smiling uncontrollably, not a word to describe what just happened, scenes running in my head that I just can't believe played out the way they did. I want to make the greatest memories of times that just can't happen twice and I want to search out things that haven't been done, then do those things. I want to drop all my work and head out for an adventure. I don't care that we're 2 weeks from finals, I want an adventure. Maybe I'm tired of being in my dorm room by midnight most nights of the week. Maybe I think it's been too long since I've been to IHOP or Steak and Shake at unmentionable hours, maybe I miss taking 3 hour walks with a friend that felt like twenty minutes. Maybe I would like to be walking somewhere, with a plan, and have someone ask me to go do something random and totally unplanned with them-- and then do it. I am usually more than willing to drop whatever I'm doing for some spontaneous fun, but the opportunity just has come up recently. Maybe I need to wander back to Ayers where Emily and Kayla will surely give me the giggles by just the sight of that quote wall.

 and all this mumble jumble, me missing out on things, is of course mostly because of the amount of homework I've been getting. I left the 2D Art studio at 5 a.m. this morning after finishing my Honors Beauty paintings.. and arrived at my dorm room as the sun peaked over the the LifeWay building just to start on my World Politics paper that was due some 6 hours later. Last night was a good night though.. I guess it was more of an adventure than I have had recently, which is sad to say, seeing that most of it was me sitting and painting. But I did make new friends I think, at least I hope, and we sang in the racquetball courts and we watched the 1974 version of The Little Prince and we enjoyed our work. We listened to the rain beat down on the PAC and smiled at the sound of deep thunder.

 and all that ranting on 2 hours of sleep to say that you should all-- if you are here in Jackson-- come see the Honors Beauty projects at some point this week between 11 and 1 starting today and ending on Friday. Our official presentations will be today, Tuesday, at 11/11:15ish.. and there will be food :) So yes, come see how Honors is wonderful-- paintings, poetry, sculpture, photography, other really cool stuff that we nerdy kids make! Oh, and it's in the theatre good night and good luck!

Overflow

If I tried to give of myself, you wouldn't like what I'd have to offer. If the cards I put on the table belonged to me, I'd quickly lose. And I know this. I know that I have nothing to offer anyone. And yet, I try to find something of me to present to others, and I come up short every time. I pour out all of me and am turned away, being found to be not good enough, not quite what they were looking for, and completely empty. And I ask, "when will I ever be enough?" But I won't, I won't ever be enough. Anything I have will never be enough. I'm looking to myself as the source of satisfaction, the source of wholeness and fulfillment. Oh how I fail! I am so far, so unimaginably far from being able to sustain myself-- to, in my own person, keep myself satisfied. If I thought I was close to being able to do that, I would probably work for it, I would just kill myself to get there, to achieve a sort of divination. But I know I am hopeless. So I turn to the only hope I have, the one that used to fill me, and I let it fill me again. It renews me, it pours into me, replaces what I handed to others and what was turned down. I give of that, I present what I've been given. Surprise, surprise, what I give away, he replenishes. I am satisfies once more. Some accept what I give, others reject it. But I know that I am filled again, and so I do not wait to be satisfied by them. I do not hope that they will give of themselves when I've given of myself. He gave of Himself so that I might be able to give of myself to them. So I give, I give, and I don't wait to be given to. I am filled by Him. He is my source. And so I give and I let them receive. I expect nothing in return. I find unexpected joy in their giving of themselves. Of course, I now am being filled by my eternal source, and what they give simply pours over, and what a blessing overflow is! I am receiving, I am giving, and grace flows through me, love passes through me; and I remember that it is not my own. And so what I give is simply the overflow of the Giver Himself. I am no perfect giver, I sometimes reject the source, I seem to think I've become a source myself. I am never a source. I am simply a vessel. And as a vessel, I am not in charge of myself. A vessel is supposed to be possessed and used by someone else. I rather not be in charge of my life, I like depending on someone who knows better.