Apparently

this is not okay. Apparently this is not a phase? But I'm convinced it is. I'm convinced that I'll get over this. Apparently I need to get back on track.. but I'm not sure I'm off track. Maybe I am "off track," but I really don't see it, I honestly think this temporary homesick dip in my life right now isn't me "off track," it's me living a continent away from home and finally getting a sour taste of balancing college life. I think this is necessary for me to start saying goodbye, realizing that I will never live at home again (at least that's the plan), and growing up. I don't think going home every time I miss it is the answer, because I would have had to go home at least a handful times since August. Mom asked me today to come home this summer, to trust that we'd get the money somehow and that I need it. Maybe I'm being stubborn, but trying to make that work would put a lot of stress on my parents, financially and emotionally, and I cannot see the possibility of me ever being able to pay them back for a trip over the summer and for Christmas. I'm tired of asking for money-- people have already given so much, I need to start working for it. And I'm trying, I'm trying to work for everything I have to pay for, because so many people have already been so generous in times of need, or just times of want, it's my turn to pull the financial weight. But tutoring in Colombia, which is pretty much the only work I can legally do there, can in no way get close to the amount I would need to pay for those trips, and on top of that I need to be saving up for doing my study abroad. Don't think I'm saying I don't want to go this summer. I want it more than anything, but right now it's more of an emotional weight to try than not to. I'm afraid it won't work out, and by the time that happens my heart will be in it, and then I'm back to square one, as I was last week.

Or I thought it was just last week. I thought I was coming out of that dip, I mean though Nashville made me miss Bogota, I really enjoyed it and was having a good time. I felt happy. And yesterday, I felt out of it, I wasn't sure what it was, but I was just not the same old me. The only place I found myself smiling and feeling okay was during the worship service at City Fellowship. I knew that God was and is using this to mold me, when we sang "You make me new, You are making me new" was when I realized that that's what is happening, at least, that's how this heartache will glorify God, if I let it refine me. Last night I headed to bed early, I knew today was going to be a long day. And around 11 I got a call that woke me up. My friend's mother had passed away. She had been battling cancer for a while now, and last night God called her home. I know is she doing what she did best, praising Her Father in His Presence. And so there were tears of joy for her, but the rest, those for her family weren't quite as joyful. To think that my friend didn't have his mother anymore, I couldn't fathom it. After trying to process and praying, I fell back asleep, and though waking up energized in time to swim, I went back to sleep. I didn't know how to process, so today I went on automatic, I didn't even know what I was feeling or what to do with them. Then my mom asked me to go to Colombia, and it got frustrating. Maybe I'm just pessimistic, but I don't think that it will work out, and it made me slightly angry that mom would even propose something that would get my hopes up.

"You're just not happy anymore.." My heart sank, it broke, and I couldn't hold it in. I didn't think this would ever be said of me. I was a joyful person. Others had told me, I was just always happy, not just happy, truthfully joyful. And now my close friend was telling me that I just wasn't happy anymore, and that's why I need to go back to Colombia for the summer. Unhappy? No, this is a phase.. that I thought had ended. So maybe I'm unhappy right now, maybe I can't seem to find that joy that once was mine except for in little moments. But if it's getting better, why am I still unhappy, if not even more this week than last.

And I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated that I'm not getting over this, that we're trying to make plans that have too high of a risk of failing, that everything else is going down the drain. I'm frustrated that I'm not doing my best and that I can't seem to get there. So I'm lashing out, I get angry at people, and I hurt them, or make them angry at me. I say things I don't mean, I focus my frustration on certain people and they think I hate them. I don't, I really don't. I've never been good with dealing with my frustration and anger, I was a devil child to say the least. I might not throw things anymore, but I sure hurl angry words and thoughts. I make people feel like crap, and it makes me feel worse. Then I can't explain myself or feel like I'm just making excuses, and I'm misunderstood and sorry. So if I make you angry or hurt you in these next few days, I really am sorry, it' probably not your fault, I'm being a butt-- though that's no excuse. Call me out, tell me I'm being an idiot and that I need to fix things in my head and deal with stuff, tell me that I need to get over it.