22 days

what? I don't know if I believe that. 22 days since my last post. Not that anyone's missing out on anything, but I missed this blog some in those 22 days. Someone said today "you think about what you love" and I've thought about this blog a lot in the last 22 days.. I don't know if I dare say I love it though, those are strong words for something that will not do anything in the long run. And yet, I'm back, because I missed it, and it deserved some TLC. Who doesn't want attention from me, right?

So in these 22 days,
1. I got over being homesick--some circumstances that added to the emotional wreck were revealed and things were better explained. I'll be fine, I'm alive, and I can't wait to be back for Christmas, but for now, I'm here, and I am loving it, and will love it. I'm joyful, I'm happy, I'm back to being me I believe.

2. I am an official 2012 Life Group Leader. Had the interview, and just like everyone else, felt like it went pretty well. I guess it did go pretty well, because I went through some weird stuff tonight during New Life Group Orientation and will be headed somewhere great this weekend. Trusting Lee and Rachel to keep us safe and happy, though that shouldn't be too hard. I am crazy excited about next semester. I'm crazy excited about the rest of this semester! But all that to be kept for another day.

3. The guys played Culture Fest and rocked everyone's socks off. Boss rapped and girls swooned. Someone compared Dani's voice to Elvis Presley, Chris rocked the crap out of those drums, and Josh played some great solos on his guitar. People loved it. As I advertised in all my classes "How often do you get to see athletes play good music?" I was so nervous for them, I felt like one of those kindergarten moms watching their child, the one dressed up as a tree, in the class play. I was so proud, I'm pretty sure I was beaming. I know most guys don't like to be mothered so I keep away from that, but I felt like a proud mom... which might be slightly weird. But they're my boys, those boys, and they made me really proud.

4. I went to a rocking concert and got bronchitis, with a side of more sick. Fun. is at the top of my list for best concerts. Birmingham was shnazzy, and the group I went with was too much fun for my tired body. We sang at the top of our lungs the 3 hours back to Franklin at midnight and I think that's when my cold turned for the worse and inhabited my lungs.. good times. But it was worth it, it was amazing and I sure don't regret it. Only with the help of some antibiotics did I get over it some point last week.

5. Midterms. So, I only had a test and a reflective paper, but did I feel burnt out. Exhausted is an understatement. I was barely functioning. So when Friday afternoon came and all left for Spring Break, I took a nap. I came back from Spring Break still tired, but it's a different, good, fixable tired. I'm getting some sleep, and it feels so unfamiliar.

6. I went on a GO (Global Opportunity) trip to Hendersonville (Nashville) over Spring Break (last week). It was kind of amazing. Well, more than kind of. It was not like any other trip I've been on before. God answered prayers. There were great awkward conversations. And I learned a ton about sharing the Gospel with people who don't want it. I have so much more to say about this trip, and it's coming soon, I promise, I just don't have the minutes right now.

7. I've been caught off guard with the notion that people care about me. Of course I know people care about me... but I figured it was my closest friends, the few, the crazy. But I've learned that there are others who love me and care about me--and I didn't see it coming. I've been referred to as a sister a few times recently from different people, and once it was followed with a comment about being protective over me. I was assured that one friend was quoted to say that he would beat the crap out of anyone who laid a hand on me. I love these people, and I care about them, but a lot of time it feels like I'm farther into the deep end with involvement, and I'm okay with that. To realize that they do love me and really care about me-- and think about caring about me, it's good to hear. I wonder why they keep me around, why they put up with me, why they invite me and hug me. I wonder why they let me see it, see them live. There's no reason for our friendship, really. We don't believe the same things, we don't live the same way, we don't see eye to eye on most anything, but they've stuck around. I know my reasons, but I can't seem to understand theirs. Love me? eeeh, I don't know about that. That they now care about me.. I still doubt it, I don't know if I can fully believe that. I know I love them, but I don't really expect it to come my way, so I don't really know what to do with this. For now, maybe believe it.. maybe enjoy it.

Apparently

this is not okay. Apparently this is not a phase? But I'm convinced it is. I'm convinced that I'll get over this. Apparently I need to get back on track.. but I'm not sure I'm off track. Maybe I am "off track," but I really don't see it, I honestly think this temporary homesick dip in my life right now isn't me "off track," it's me living a continent away from home and finally getting a sour taste of balancing college life. I think this is necessary for me to start saying goodbye, realizing that I will never live at home again (at least that's the plan), and growing up. I don't think going home every time I miss it is the answer, because I would have had to go home at least a handful times since August. Mom asked me today to come home this summer, to trust that we'd get the money somehow and that I need it. Maybe I'm being stubborn, but trying to make that work would put a lot of stress on my parents, financially and emotionally, and I cannot see the possibility of me ever being able to pay them back for a trip over the summer and for Christmas. I'm tired of asking for money-- people have already given so much, I need to start working for it. And I'm trying, I'm trying to work for everything I have to pay for, because so many people have already been so generous in times of need, or just times of want, it's my turn to pull the financial weight. But tutoring in Colombia, which is pretty much the only work I can legally do there, can in no way get close to the amount I would need to pay for those trips, and on top of that I need to be saving up for doing my study abroad. Don't think I'm saying I don't want to go this summer. I want it more than anything, but right now it's more of an emotional weight to try than not to. I'm afraid it won't work out, and by the time that happens my heart will be in it, and then I'm back to square one, as I was last week.

Or I thought it was just last week. I thought I was coming out of that dip, I mean though Nashville made me miss Bogota, I really enjoyed it and was having a good time. I felt happy. And yesterday, I felt out of it, I wasn't sure what it was, but I was just not the same old me. The only place I found myself smiling and feeling okay was during the worship service at City Fellowship. I knew that God was and is using this to mold me, when we sang "You make me new, You are making me new" was when I realized that that's what is happening, at least, that's how this heartache will glorify God, if I let it refine me. Last night I headed to bed early, I knew today was going to be a long day. And around 11 I got a call that woke me up. My friend's mother had passed away. She had been battling cancer for a while now, and last night God called her home. I know is she doing what she did best, praising Her Father in His Presence. And so there were tears of joy for her, but the rest, those for her family weren't quite as joyful. To think that my friend didn't have his mother anymore, I couldn't fathom it. After trying to process and praying, I fell back asleep, and though waking up energized in time to swim, I went back to sleep. I didn't know how to process, so today I went on automatic, I didn't even know what I was feeling or what to do with them. Then my mom asked me to go to Colombia, and it got frustrating. Maybe I'm just pessimistic, but I don't think that it will work out, and it made me slightly angry that mom would even propose something that would get my hopes up.

"You're just not happy anymore.." My heart sank, it broke, and I couldn't hold it in. I didn't think this would ever be said of me. I was a joyful person. Others had told me, I was just always happy, not just happy, truthfully joyful. And now my close friend was telling me that I just wasn't happy anymore, and that's why I need to go back to Colombia for the summer. Unhappy? No, this is a phase.. that I thought had ended. So maybe I'm unhappy right now, maybe I can't seem to find that joy that once was mine except for in little moments. But if it's getting better, why am I still unhappy, if not even more this week than last.

And I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated that I'm not getting over this, that we're trying to make plans that have too high of a risk of failing, that everything else is going down the drain. I'm frustrated that I'm not doing my best and that I can't seem to get there. So I'm lashing out, I get angry at people, and I hurt them, or make them angry at me. I say things I don't mean, I focus my frustration on certain people and they think I hate them. I don't, I really don't. I've never been good with dealing with my frustration and anger, I was a devil child to say the least. I might not throw things anymore, but I sure hurl angry words and thoughts. I make people feel like crap, and it makes me feel worse. Then I can't explain myself or feel like I'm just making excuses, and I'm misunderstood and sorry. So if I make you angry or hurt you in these next few days, I really am sorry, it' probably not your fault, I'm being a butt-- though that's no excuse. Call me out, tell me I'm being an idiot and that I need to fix things in my head and deal with stuff, tell me that I need to get over it.

My head isn't quite convincing enough

Missing home stinks, so I decided on Wednesday that I would stop. Or at least that it would get better, and it has, but not by the means I was trying. I told myself that if I just decide that's it's all okay, I'm just being dramatic and emotional, and I'll be fine till December, then things would change immediately. So I told myself that to get over it, that I didn't miss Colombia but I was just a mess, and that I needed to stop thinking about it. It took me just about a whole day to realize that things didn't work that way. My head was saying it was okay and that I was fine, but my heart wanted more, it wanted home. I was longing for that nostalgia to be satisfied, but I wasn't exactly doing anything about it. I knew that there was no way to get what I wanted, so I told myself it was passing phase, that I didn't want it anymore. But it was there. I wanted home, and I wanted it just as badly. I could act better, but it wouldn't go away. I felt less like an emotional train wreck, less likely to get depressed and sleep my life away, more like I had a hold on things, but I couldn't change that want to go home. So I left it there, and I'm sure it will stick around for a little while longer, but at least it doesn't have it's control on me. Realization: I'm an idiot, my head can't control my heart on this one. I can choose to be okay with having that constant heart ache, knowing that I will go home soon enough, and in the meanwhile I can choose to live on, to be happy with where I am. So my heart will hurt every once in a while, and I will always want to go home, but I can be okay with that, I can get used to that, I can trust others to be there, and I can deal with it.

Of course, as soon as this started making sense in my head we're driving into Nashville. The city lights are sprawled before me under the night sky and my heart aches. I'm so excited to see something familiar, and I find home. At least, I find potential for a home in the comfort of the sound of traffic and in the towering skyscrapers and in the cracks on the sidewalks. I am learning to love Jackson, but it is no city. And so Nashville fills my heart with happiness, but it soon turns into heartache. I don't only want this city, I want to see Bogota in that city. I want some shopkeeper to call me "mija" or hear children say "seño." I want to see the familiar faces of the indigenous and the needy, the broken and the wanting, I want my home, not just a home. But I'm okay with wanting. I decide that I'll take in the city while I can, and take it with me, let it give me a part of Bogota. I decided that if I have to live in the US for some time after college, I would head to Nashville.

And for a little change in topic. Something I've been meaning to write about and which I am still learning about. Trust. Yes, I am so cliche, that's what I'm writing about .. but it's how trust works in my life.
This is pretty much how I think I work--but things change, as we'll learn shortly.
If I don't know you, my level of trust for you has everything to do with my first impression of you. If I feel comfortable around you, I will trust you hands down till you lose that trust. If that first impression isn't so good, I won't trust you at all, until you change that, if you ever do. It's not at all hard to gain my trust.. I will be skeptical, but a few right moves and you're in. This can be a problem. If I trust you off the bat, I really trust you. I am naive and expect you to be trust-able, and so I'll act like that's how it works. I've figured that you've been good to me so far, why would that change? I fall prey to deceit a little too easily because of this. And so I am so disappointed when you show yourself not trustworthy. And I realize that I shouldn't be trusting people- I have no right to. So I lose trust in them, and I then it's hard to redeem.

And if I don't trust you at first, because of first impressions, I really don't trust you. And I won't hold you up to anything. Warning, if you show yourself trustworthy soon enough, or just seem to show this in a few occasions, I'll trust you, even if I shouldn't. So I trust too easily, and get hurt too easily too.

I get hurt because people aren't to be trusted. I was reminded of that this week. I'm not saying that I can't count on anyone; there are some people that I can count on to pull through most of the time, and I know God pulls through every time. But I trust some people with too much. I expect them to be there when I need to, because they have at some point. And they won't be there every time. Actually, some of these people were only "there, that one time" because that's just how it worked out. They weren't exactly intentional about caring for me, it happened to be convenient. So I trust people easily, and because people don't pull through, I get disheartened, and for a while, I don't trust any of them, and I find myself alone, bitter, and confused. They seemed so trustworthy, but they didn't pull through when it mattered. And then I remember that they're human. I know I'm not always going to be there for everyone, and neither will they. So I guess I shouldn't trust people quite as much as I do.

And this leads to my friendships. I trust my friends with everything.. or at least I did up till now. (I know I'm saying I should trust people less, but I'm not sure this will actually take its effect). I put so much of me into the friends that I've chosen to be intentional with, and when they don't pull through, when it seems they don't even try, it changes things and I trust them much less. They won't always come through, and I get that, I won't either, but when they see me trip and don't try to stretch their hand to reach me, and watch me fall, how can I think they tried, how can I think they cared? We've spent so much time in this friendship, and at this point I can't feel them push for it, I see them passively fall. If they can't give what's missing when I come short, how can I keep pushing? And yet, I push, because I let people take advantage of me.