I've come to a time when I am always surrounded by people, most of whom I really love being around. But when I walk into my living room after work and there isn't anyone there I always go straight to my phone to find out where my roommates are, if they're coming home soon, or if I can go to them or anyone else to be with people. I am not used to being alone anymore. Even right now I had to keep myself from trying to find people and let myself enjoy the solitude, but I couldn't stand the silence so I put on some music. The solitude has scared me. I'm afraid it means that I've spread myself too thin with people and can't depend fully on anyone because I haven't made myself available enough to them. The solitude makes me afraid that I'm truly alone, in every sense. The solitude gives my mind time to think, and often it thinks too far. Then the solitude deepens every fear and strengthens ever heartache that I had pushed away. Satan turns the solitude that I should be able to take rest in into something terrifying and destructive. He tries to reverse the healing that Christ has done, and sometimes I let him bring things back. I have to fight it. Not the solitude, but the temptation to let it scare me. Solitude does not necessitate loneliness, but I am too often convinced that at the end of the day all of this only comes down to loneliness.
John 16:33 says "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." I pray that peace will accompany solitude, and that it will be something I embrace at every chance.
And of course, with the solitude comes homesickness. I've made it 10 months with a few bumps in the road, I've got just under 2 months to go. I am more than excited to spend 7 weeks with my family at home. Oh, I thank my God that He has given me such a loving family.
