The summer's half over and what do I have to show for it? Nothing. My savings account is empty because I still don't have a job. I haven't painted anything great. I haven't written anything great. I haven't finished reading anything great. I haven't started any great projects successfully-- like learn a new language or play an instrument. I haven't become more disciplined. I haven't done anything. I was sure this would be a summer when I would become a better follower of Christ, a better person, a better friend, a better daughter, a better student, a better guest, a better character, a better everything, or a better anything at least. And what do I have to show for all these expectations so far? Not much. Not much at all. I've had a few good experiences that all amount to some fun. I've half read a couple books. I've gotten some sun on my skin. I've gotten good at going back and forth between going up hills and going down hills on my bike. I've filled out more job applications than I can count on my two hands and I'm still unemployed. I convinced myself after not getting a summer job/opportunity elsewhere that God wanted me here in Jackson for some great reason that would change my life. But maybe I had just missed the boat. I really missed out on some great opportunities that I could've had if I had been really trying earlier on this year. But once April and May rolled around, I had convinced myself "Oh, you see, I'm supposed to be here this summer, because God has some great plans for me here-- so I have to stay and it's really not my choice. You see, I'm submitting to God's will." But maybe I was just being lazy. I missed out on all those great opportunities and didn't want to admit it, so I would try to hold up my pride as I claimed God's Providence over my summer. So I was stuck here, telling myself "Trust God, He has it all mapped out, just wait for it to fall into place. Apply for some jobs, and you'll get the one He has saved for you. In the mean time, do something productive.. Read a book, brush up on your Spanish." And so I tried that for a few weeks. I had a list of goals in my head that I would reach by the end of the summer. I set highly productive standards for myself. And I felt great at first. I was being active, getting some stuff done during the day and spending some good times with friends at night.
But soon enough applying for a couple of jobs wasn't enough because I wasn't getting any responses. And it's been two weeks since that started. I've been applying. And applying. I've gone to just about every store and restaurant near Union and asked, even though I knew half of them would send me to some website. And I kept applying. But I took it easy. I wasn't being aggressive. And here I am now. Jobless. A failure. I have nothing to show. I want to make all these plans. But I have no money. Whatever money I had seemed to disappear with my dignity. My summer started with me being stuck because I had failed. And I find myself still stuck because I can't seem to reach the standard. I've got a bike and a hot sun on my back. You can only get so far with a half-working bike.
One thing I could praise God about was that I had been able to spend good time in His Word faithfully. So He kept revealing things about Himself to me, and I was encouraged. I knew He was guiding me. But I was still convinced it would all just fall into place. All the time I knew somewhere in the back of my head that God had given me a brain to figure things out and get a job. He had given my hands to get something done, and I wasn't doing it. He gave me the responsibility to use my time in a way that would glorify Him. And I wasn't doing it. I was wasting my time "waiting on Providence."
I realized how much of a failure I really was. I realized that I had spent 4 weeks of time that God had given me and came back with nothing to show. And then I figured I'd fix it on my own. I had wasted God's time, I would get it back, I'd make Him proud! It only took a couple of days for me to give in to Him reminding me that I couldn't redeem anything, much less wasted time. Only He could. I found myself broken, a failure before God, a shameful daughter of the Holy King. Then He reminded me what this summer had brought about so far. He gave me reasons to praise Him. I had been able to spend precious time with old friends and good time getting to know new friends. He brought me back to doing ministry with children at the Dream Center. He provided me a church full of people striving for the same goal that were going through a study on building Christian Community, which is exactly what God has called me to pursue. He gave me the chance become involved in my community in the weirdest way-- by attending free ballroom dance lessons at a local gym. And He was giving me time to spend in His Word and in His presence. I had so much time to spend praying, interceding, and listening to His Spirit change me. He has blessed me. Though I had still been wasting time and was not living my summer out to the fullest, He was already redeeming my shortcomings and my time wasted. He was blessing me nonetheless.
And though I still feel like a failure, though I know I won't be changed and happy and redeemed in an hour, though I know this is a process of change and building, I know that at least I'm not depending on myself. It would be so easy to stay in bed all day and wallow. It is so tempting to stay in bed and watch movies and do nothing and let myself grow bitter and depressed. I have to fight for discipline-- to do what I don't want to do, to let Him change me. So I will give this a second try and hope only in Him this time, and hold myself responsible for my failures.
Maybe this summer will be more than dancing and music, more than half-books and sun.
